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Taliban Graduates Struggle To Seek Employment During Recession - 'This Ain't the 90s When Terrorists Were Making Bank!'

by Steve Zorbalas

Kandahar - Enthusiastic, young men line up to receive diplomas from the one-eyed, one-legged speaker, Mohammed Terizani, known in Helmund Province as 'Manchild'. A rough road awaits these hopeful Taliban insurgents. "Soon you will be blowing up infidels, poisoning the wells of traitors and forcing men to sport facial hair no matter how cheesy it may look, " chanted Mr. Terizani before he stumbled off of the stage. The Academy of Terror graduates on average 300 per year and this education will likely lead to glamorous and promising careers in getting killed.

Kanye West, "I Guess God Hates Poor, Black People, Especially Ones That Try An' Speak French."

by Steve Zorbalas

Los Angeles - As the world stumbles to come to the aid of earthquake victims in Haiti, the poorest island nation in the western hemisphere, self-proclaimed music prodigy Kanye West has tried to put it all in cosmic perspective. "I mean, I've tried to understand this s**t, first Katrina, now this." Before making this apocryphal statement, West and his associates did some research to see if there was any way rich white people could have caused the earthquake.

God Schedules Next Humanitarian Crisis for Week of Academy Awards

by BMaddox

Heaven – The Almighty issued a press release today revealing His next inexplicable human tragedy would occur a few days prior to this year’s Oscar telecast to take advantage of Hollywood’s star power.

African Boy Continues To Receive Rotten Food From 'Charity'

by Maxwell Miller

Africa- On a cool 110º day in Sierra Leone, 8 year-old Masozi Gwandoya received the first of soon-to-be many packages from 10 year-old Mike “Mikey” Anderson. But when the time came for Masozi to open the first box, he was shocked to discover a rotting pile of green beans, meatloaf, and half-eaten casserole (often referred to by Mikey as ‘asserole’).

Bill Clinton Frees Hot Asian American Prisoners; Seeks New Diplomatic Emissions

by BMaddox

Pyongyang – Former President Bill Clinton negotiated the release of journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee from the secretive North Korean regime today after private talks with its reclusive dictator, Kim Jong Il.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve experienced such a satisfying discharge,” said the former President. “My dog’s been on a short leash ever since Hillary made Secretary of State, if you know what I mean, and man was it good to get away. We got anybody in Thailand? Let’s keep this party going!”