The Bunyon - Satire News

After installing the largest television screen in the world hovering over the field at Dallas’ new stadium, owner Jerry Jones revealed its accompanying remote control to the world.

Measuring 13' x 8', it will be controlled solely by Jones who will spend the game from the comfort of his luxury suite jumping up and down on the enormous buttons.

When asked if the channel would be changed during time outs Jones responded, “It’s my TV; if I want to watch golf during the first quarter break, then everyone in the stadium will have to suffer through a blown-up 135 foot Tiger Woods staring down a putt.”

David Carrey, a guest commentator for the Dodgers, confused television viewers with a slew of sarcastic, insincere remarks and thinly veiled insults during a recent Dodgers/Cubs broadcast. The first subtle signs of sarcasm began to surface in the fourth inning after Dodgers' Manny Ramirez popped out for the second time in a row with Carrey stating, "Right into the leftfielder's glove. Nice one."

In the top of the next inning, shortstop Rafael Furcal let a shallow hopper jump past his glove after a half-hearted sprint to prevent the hit.  Carrey noted, "Furcal did everything in his power to stop that ball, folks." Then added a second later, "Yep, except dive for the ball."

Los Angeles - Future Laker, Ron Artest, was fielding reporters' questions at a Press Conference earlier today to discuss being recently acquisitioned by the Lakers, regarding his long held desire to be with Los Angeles and the chance to join the inevitable riots that would follow with a Championship win.

At the outset, Artest wanted to allay any concerns regarding his previous behavior on the court. "I know some people are worried about how I may affect the chemistry of this team because of my past: Running into the stands, getting into shoving matches. I'm not trying to impress anybody; I just want to get it done. Though once I do get that ring on my finger. I'm going to be 'impressing' lots of players and fans alike with ring tattoos on their necks."

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell confirmed that former Atlanta Falcon’s quarterback, Michael Vick, will be partially reinstated by the NFL on conditions that would have him eligible to play by week six under the agreement that Vick would spend the first 6 weeks of the season fighting off wild dogs.

Goodell, in a bizarre move, contracted Vick to participate in six live event cage matches with top pitbulls in the underground dog-fighting scene.