A city is in shock today after an investigation uncovered that the crazy man on the corner bellowing at drivers who have ignored him for years has actually not been ranting about Jesus, Allah, Krishna nor the end of times like everyone assumed.“I just yelling about the weather and stuff,” 36 year old homeless man Stew Sorenson said. “It tends to vary, really. Sometimes I holler about snorkeling, or beds, or igloos, or pizza . . . pizza is a good one. You yell pizza and people pay attention.”
Sorenson said just because he isn’t rambling about heaven, hell, or Armageddon doesn’t make him any less insane than any of the other handful of false prophets littering sidewalks, airports and malls misquoting sacred fairy tales and myths. And he doesn’t want the public to suddenly think he isn’t potentially dangerous and highly unstable.
Still, he believes his idle chit chat may not compare to the crazies who believe they have spoken to God or actually know the exact date the world will end.
“Maybe I’m not all that religious crazy. I mean they are crazy,” Sorenson said. “I haven’t completely fallen off the deep end. I’m pretty sure there’s no such thing as talking snakes and guys living inside whales. I am a cannibal though. People think that’s pretty damn crazy.”
Sorenson said he would like to see crazy people branch out a little more and get more creative with their public lunacy. Screaming about the Lord just doesn’t carry much weight after so many nut cases jumped on the Jesus bandwagon and put the pedal to the floor.
It was hard being the new guy on the block all those years ago when he started yelling about nothing in particular in front of the cigar store, Sorenson said, but it’s obvious the hard work has paid off as people rush past him with mace in hand, and try to time the red light to where they don’t end up stopping right next to him in the middle of one of his rants.
“I’d consider this a successful day,” Sorenson said. “I haven’t gotten any eye contact or anything, but I did see a pretty cool fender bender and some kids chucked a milk shake at my head and I ended up getting to drink about a quarter of it. That’s a pretty good day.”
Authorities have had numerous confrontations with Sorenson in the past according officer Dan Cummings, a 20 year police veteran who has given the stink eye and threatened the wide-eyed, disheveled faux war veteran yelling nonsense every day for three years as the patrolman goes in for cigarettes.
“Honestly I hadn’t paid any attention before. But the fact that he isn’t screaming about Jesus could either make him far less dangerous, or much more likely to go completely out of his mind and do something serious. There is no middle ground there,” Cummings said. “Either way, I can’t wait to shoot him. Especially during rush hour. I think people would like to see that.”
Rush hour may never be the same, however, as passing motorists now know the truth about Sorenson, and when they roll down that window to flick that cigarette butt at him, they just might hesitate rolling it back up, and may catch some stock tips or love advice.
“I don’t have too much negative to say. I don’t think the world is going to end too soon and all in all things really aren’t all that bad,” Sorenson added, “I would like a pair of shoes. And I’d like to meet the guy who invented the paintball gun and eat his pancreas. Believe me, those things are no fun for crazy people on street corners.”
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