The Bunyon - Satire News

Bethesda, MD - Local teens Scott Harkins, 17, and Ryan Parker, 16, expressed deep regret Thursday after asking 49-year-old Dave Johnston to purchase alcohol for them.  What promised to be an exciting night full of teenage revelry revealed itself to be more of a chore babysitting a crestfallen adult man.  “It was cool at first,” said Harkins. “He got us a case of Miller Lite. The three of us listened to music in the living room, but after about an hour he kept telling us to play his [Lynyrd] Skynyrd tape and scream the words to some Eddie Money song.”  Parker described the scene as, “gay” and “not very much fun.”  

Dave Johnston has lived in Bethesda his entire life and after performing the favor for them, the teens felt obligated to hear Johnston ramble on with his anecdotes.  From birth to the present, Johnston acquainted the teens through the mundane experience that is his life.  “He told us how the 7-Eleven used to be a Circle K and how he used to work at the plastic spoon factory until it closed down.  It was pretty boring,” said Harkins.

From that point it only got more awkward.  Johnston proceeded to chug his own 40oz. of WildCat Malt Liquor and began to cry.  After many attempts by the teens to console him, Johnston swung wildly and fell, eliciting an old football injury in his groin.  Confused and annoyed, Harkins and Parker tried to flee the scene but were quickly guilt-tripped into sticking around until Johnston finished his beer.

“After that it was pretty hard to understand what it was he was talking about,” said Parker. “First, he would be talking about how much he liked to party in high school then out of nowhere he started preaching about God and what a waste of time church is.  It was really sad.”        

Harkins and Parker tried to sober Johnston up so he could walk home but Johnston had other plans.  “He refused to leave until we chugged a beer with him. At that point, I didn’t want to have anything to do with beer,” states Harkins. Harkins and Parker pretended to chug along with Johnston but actually poured the beers out while Johnson was distracted by a stain on his shirt he had never seen before.  Johnston then enlightened the teens to what a “heartless bitch” his ex-wife Starla was, mumbled a few more incoherencies and passed out on a set a railroad tracks the teens frequent.  “I thought he died,” said Parker “but we saw him crawl off the tracks as we were leaving.”

The teens left the rest of the beer at the scene and went home to study.