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Man Questions Own Morality After Violating Five Second Rule

by Jonny Clinton

Reno, Nevada - A local man is finding it extremely difficult to live with himself lately, after willingly picking up some pizza toppings off the floor and eating them even though the cheese and meat combo had reportedly been floor-bound for well over the allotted five seconds.

“I used to work at Denny’s, and it actually was a rule,” 32-year old Les Grossman said. “If anything edible was on the floor for five seconds or less it could be thrown back on the grill or onto a plate. That’s just the facts.”

Crazy Man on Street Not Ranting About God

by Jonny Clinton

A city is in shock today after an investigation uncovered that the crazy man on the corner bellowing at drivers who have ignored him for years has actually not been ranting about Jesus, Allah, Krishna nor the end of times like everyone assumed.

“I just yelling about the weather and stuff,” 36 year old homeless man Stew Sorenson said. “It tends to vary, really. Sometimes I holler about snorkeling, or beds, or igloos, or pizza . . . pizza is a good one. You yell pizza and people pay attention.”

Sorenson said just because he isn’t rambling about heaven, hell, or Armageddon doesn’t make him any less insane than any of the other handful of false prophets littering sidewalks, airports and malls misquoting sacred fairy tales and myths. And he doesn’t want the public to suddenly think he isn’t potentially dangerous and highly unstable.

Local Band to Write Song About a Girl

by Jonny Clinton

Spokane, WA – Little known Spokane rock band, Menocide, promises to break new musical ground immediately as members prepare to embark on writing and composing an original song about a girl.

After the band’s foray into songs featuring hot dogs, underwear elastic, and bumblebees, songwriter and lead vocalist Lance Goodright said a journey into an untapped market such as songs about a girl could have a major impact on the past and history of every genre of music.

Erection Successfully Hidden During Walk To Front Of Classroom

by Matt Kelley

Baton Rouge, LA -14-year-old Billy McDonald avoided every teenager’s worst nightmare Thursday as his boner went completely unnoticed when called to the front of his Civics class to deliver a report on JFK. To McDonald’s surprise, there was no giggling or pointing as he made his walk toward the blackboard in what seemed to be slow motion. “I thought everyone was going to see it for sure,” said McDonald, ”I was sweating like a pig and hard as a rock.”

Japanese Kid Not That Good At Nintendo

by Matt Kelley

Arlington Heights, IL--On the outside, Jared Yamaguchi looks and acts just like your average 15-year-old middle-upper-class suburban Japanese-American kid. He studies for midterms, he packs a sack lunch and in the fall, Jared will attempt to get his driver’s license. But on the inside, this boy harbors a dark secret known only to himself, his family, a close circle of friends and everyone else in town. Jared sucks at Nintendo.