Waco, Texas - A group of disaffected hunters led by legendary rock star and renowned animal slayer Ted Nugent are urging officials to allow sportsmen to add a little pizzazz to their yearly ensembles instead of annually stalking the countryside in gaudy hunter’s safety orange.
“I dug my nails and teeth into the throat of a bear last month and hung on for nine glorious hours until my puncture wounds eventually drained every last drop of blood out of the beast and onto my eager, carnivorous face and he finally dropped in a heaping pile of big bear goodness,” Nugent said. “It should be my right as an American to skin that bear, turn its hide into a Snuggie and wear it securely while I hunt and kill its brothers and sisters, just like God intended.”
In a letter addressed to the governor written in blood, color change advocates wrote that it's unconstitutional for them to be forced to adhere to such a stringent dress code in life and death situations, and that, honestly, nothing really goes with hunter’s safety orange.
“What if you have a favorite mink shawl that keeps the breeze off your neck out there on the prairies and deserts hunting those formidable deers and elks and stuff? Are you supposed to dye it bright orange? Not in this life,” Rick Baker, spokesman for the grassroots hunting group Guys Against Yielding said. “Maybe navy blue or some kind of sandstone color. Either way, just because you’re surrounded by strapping men in the middle of nowhere bent on assassinating forest animals doesn’t mean you can’t look your best. If fact, it’s quite the opposite.”
Authorities insist hunters have to the option to wear camouflage during certain times of the hunting season, but those on the front lines are yearning for a color compromise a little more flamboyant.
“I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing camo. I suppose you want me to buy a Hummer and a closet full of flannel, too,” Baker said. “If I hadn’t already thrown up my lunch, you’d be cleaning my puke off your shoes right now.”
Nugent and a number of other hunters in the state will soon draft a petition and are confident they can make up enough legal-sounding names and addresses to advance the form and deliver it to officials along with some color scheme suggestions.
“I think they should start by implementing good old American black and white into the hunter’s safety colors,” Nugent said. “There’s all kinds of directions you can go with those simple colors. Plus the bear I killed last month was a fucking panda, so that would work perfectly for me.”
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